Wednesday, September 23, 2009
nic refered to all that is written as the converstion before us. and that is what it is. in my college english classes, where in masses we studied the "CLASSICS" my questions to each and every teacher is "WHAT IS IT THAT DEAMS IT A CLASSIC" how are we to tell now what will last forever. why in the world does e.e. cummings ...(i love how nothing is ever capitialized!!!!!!!!!!!!) why did everything HE every write last to be studied to this day. (btw, by reading his poems and sonnet, i have always perceived him to be a woman, not a man, hmmm)
and yet back to the conversation...
Reminiscent commentary of personal experiences
As I stood there letting my dad’s angry voice flow over and past me on the wind, the reflection on the day old snow held my attention. It looked as if the sun had glazed the snow into a smooth and creamy sugar treat. I could feel the heat from the rays of the sun, as the tepid air caressed my face. The earth was still cold, draining the energy from my toes and making them feel pain from the true temperature. As I shifted my weight, trying not to think of the cold or my father’s curses, I became aware of another car approaching us on this isolated road.
Synopsis –my mother was a drunk, my father unemotional, i become a unit in a transient family, settling in LA,almost drowning in the culture of drugs and free will, travling back and forth to the midwest in what we call now a custody agreement, and then finding myself in my 40’s a school teacher, searching for karma, happiness, contentment, knowledge.
This is like reading the end of the book isn't it...
I should have been journalling and creating along the trip and I have and have not......
Transition is such a different thing between each individual and their journey. Some thrive, some stress, some can not sync until all is settled. I feel I am a little of each of these, as we all are a part of each other, sharing the same likes and differences.
Not long ago I read a book, imagine that, me reading a book, I know....
"Tweak, Growing up on Meth" by Nic Sheff... If you haven't read it, give it a whirl. It spoke to me as a book hasn't in a really long time.
I have never been a writer, nor claimed to be one ever. Although, at one time in my younger years I yearned to write, write a book on the level of "Gone With the Wind" I think all readers have this within them. At some point in my life I decided, I was just a reader and not a writer.
Back to Nic Sheff and "Tweak.." at the age of 14, I as the opening lines of tweak proclaim, guzzled whiskey without a care or residual effect.... there are so many things about my life that I often take for granted, as if, everyone experienced what I did.
I can remember reading the definition for "Dysfunctional Family" for the first time...i have the most funtioning dysfunctional family that one could ever imagine.
If one were to actually read, the Epilogue and notes at the end of Tweak, I surmounted the reason why I am hesititant to expose all that is within me and write as free as one could.
For what lays within me, is connected to all others, and to expose to myself and my indescrepancies, in itself will expose interactions with all those around me.
Is it fair? Perhaps, my perspective, does not sync with theirs....and yet I have the audacity to put as perspective to each situation as if it were fact.
With that said....
There is still the voice inside me that chooses to add to the conversation...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
On a positive note, in my attempt to be at Graceland, I did accomplish the goal of physically being present in all of the states west of the M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I River at least once in my life so far. I love to drive across the United States, I have done it, I don't even know how many times in my life so far. The beauty within the lanscape never fails to put me in awe of each and every region I travel through. Today I stood on the edge of a cornfield and in the distance I could see a combine work the spring wheat field. As night fell, I was able to distinguish the fires across the countryside as the farmers prepared the fields for planting, burned off the stubble left from the combines work. The smell of fresh dirt and sweet grass is intoxicating. Just as stimulating to the senses as the smell of the sea.
States I have been to-
States I have not been to (yet) -
Elvis has left the building. (or Gibson is outta Florida)
Oh my, what a day. Alrighty, I finally got started on the road about 10ish. It was hard, to leave, my car wanted to go south on CR1, but, I didn’t, headed out and away I went. My biggest fear was that the mechanical of my New (old) truck would fail me. Since I left Tampa I have had in the pit of my stomach kind of fear. But, once I got going all of that fear melted away, oh, that is until I ran into bumper to bumper road construction traffic on the west side of Tallahass. And yes, I was stuck off the road in the middle. Down to one lane slow and go and then my clutch got a vapor lock. Putting on the gas and going NOWHERE fast. The guy that was kind enough to let me cut in front of him was then my Good Samaritan pushing my car with me across the yellow line so that traffic could get by. I was shaking so hard, and my heart was pumping in my ears (my aerobic work out for the day I guess). Anyway, I sat there for a few, called the brother, he said “Don’t panic, let it cool down and it will be fine” and he was right. and yes, my cat and dog and I all got very very hot waiting in the sweltering heat of a balmy June day. So, with that fear out of my way, now I know, I know how to handle that whole thingy, “it’s all good”
It is late; I am tucked down in a crackhouse like edition of a motel on the west side of Mobile. Cheap, clean room, and they always allow pets. But….the parking lot is to busy at midnight and I am just saying, the people here and their behavior are suspect…I really need to up grade to a better class of hotel.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I really want to be gone on the road, but here I sit, in this cozy little trailer, all to myself. Watching all of my favorite videos and DVD’s (I am leaving them here) Rain Man, Pulp Fiction, Saving Private Ryan, When Trumpets Fade, Rooster Cogburn, High Plains Drifter…
Got up early and went to “Sail Honeymoon” grabbed a kayak for a couple of hours, not to long, but just long enough to really make myself melancholy. My soul has been wrenching for a month with the angst of having to leave this area and travel far far away. I don’t want to go.
My friend Kristina asked me “Why do you move so much?” As I answered, I actualized what I had figured out months ago, why I choose to move so much. I have more or less been on my own since I was 15. I never had a family around, except my older sister, never had a place to call home. Somehow along the way, I lost what it was to be me, if I even ever had it. I think I really have never l felt completely at ease with myself, I have always looked for a place or a feeling to make me content. But finally, I figured out "Wherever I go, hey, there I am" I have learned what it takes to wake up positive and ready to face everyday. It’s not really a difficult; meditate until all the questions that run around through your head are silent. By meditating I just like to be outside doing stuff, like fishing or kayaking, running, walking, biking and I let all of those questions, feelings and ideas play through until I can feel that I can let go, or figure out a solution to whatever it is bothering me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
This day is dedicated to Honeymoon Island State Park. I frolicked all day at the island. It was a real delight to walk along the shore at Honeymoon Park once more before I leave, shelling and playing in the surf, lying on the hot sand, walking to the point and back again, trying not to pick up to many shells. I have to admit, I have been across the United States and even around the world and this place is absolutely, one of the most beautiful places on earth. Honeymoon is the reason why I convinced myself to move to Florida. I suppose it is apropos to end my stay here just as I began it. I used to take the time to come up here every two weeks at least, and then…..it just seems to take up to much of my time, traveling back and forth, such a long way and, I always thought I would do it some other time. The trouble is, I always thought there would be time…….and now my time here is gone.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Things I didn't do......
- ride my bike up the beach.
- have fun with Mary
- Veterans park and watch the boats.
- eat at the Hurricane.
- botanical gardens in Sarasota.
- Key West.
- walk Mel at night around the neighborhood.
- have a martini with Kelly at Carrabba's
Things I did do.....
- walked Mel out on 161st ave. causeway
- Clearwater Marine Aquarium (the only thing that has made me melancholy)
- ate at Sloppy Joe's and went to the Drum Circle with Kristina and Nancy.
- walk on the beach at night barefoot.
- Tarpon Springs and Hella's.
- Honeymoon island and walk to the point.
- Kayaked on Boca Ciega Bay with Nancy.
- Ran my 3 mile loop.
- said my last goodbye to my Dad. not sure if i will ever see him again, at least, not alive.
- took Mel over to Madeira Beach Middle to run around.
- fished with Johnny at Pass-A-Grille.
- ate breakfast at the Seahorse.
- had Laura do my hair.
- went to the beach with Tiffany.
- gave Joann a big hug (and told her not to smoke one more time).
- walk to Redington pier.
i am not sure why we can't enjoy the things that we do with as much pleasure as thinking it may be the last time. to live in the moment all the time.......
by the way, i am still in Florida. my sister asked me, "you really don't want to leave do you?" and the answer is NO. i love it here. i am going to hang tight up here in Dunedin for a day or so. visit Honeymoon Island (one more last time). have a little vacation and take in some sun and sand before i hit the road.
Hakuna Matata. I have no place to be at no particular time.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Anyone have a suggestion on a roadside attraction to stop and see between Tampa and Boise?
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
i swore to myself when i got rid of my storage unit, that i would never ever ever get another, guess what i am going to do tomorrow. see i have a little bitty truck and a lot of stuff. i am going to end up sticking everything that is mine that i want to keep forever, in a storage unit here in sunny Florida. i am just hoping that a hurricane does not blow through and take everything that i own. i have always feared that here in Florida, and now i am basically abandoning everything that i value leaving it here. hmmmm, maybe i should rethink this, and take everything with me.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
in The Diversity of Life by E.O. Wilson, 1992
Saturday, May 23, 2009
my ability to do anything, or i should say my motivation to do anything is gone. i hate the thought of moving. i don't wanna go. on the same hand i dread the thought of even staying. so it is a catch 22. i am looking forward to moving somewhere new, and getting out of here. i am even a little excited about a new job. not really, but a little.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
For me, I guess the best thing that I do, is teach. I love it. I love teaching 8th graders more than anything else. I don't really feel I connect with younger kids and as far as older kids, I know I like the ones that I have already taught but......
What is it that you excell in? What comes so easy for you, that you do not even have to think about the process, it just flows from you without thought or effort?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
i do wish there was something better to watch on TV though, like a HOUSE marathon, or a good movie, but, no. i will take what i can get though.
okay, this blogging is to much work so...........
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
That is what stresses me, to much going on inside my head. If I am thinking about twenty things and trying to do five, I can't, I just can't hold that coolness that I usually attain with ease.
Actions always speak louder than words though. So as long as you can keep your actions within sanity level, then your words can be overlooked........or can they.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
oh, how i wish, i had a bowl of grandma's chicken soup. it is true you know, what they say about soup and being sick. warm from the inside with the scruptious joy of chicken and pasta.