Friends you find,,,,, (Drafted 02/09/12)

my friend Alex came to see me yesterday. and then tonight i drove by the place where i last saw him. you know we only spent just a few minutes together really or so it seemed, but, i don't know... how do you explain that feeling when you are with someone and you just have "THAT" feeling? you know the one, where you can almost complete each other sentences because you can relate to their thoughts so well. just that real easy, warm blanket comfort of sharing time with someone that for whatever reason you connect.


05/18/16 -- I didn't know how important Alex would become in my life when I wrote this seven years ago.  Thank you Alex for being there for me when I needed you the most.  I love you.

Day 2372

I stumbled on this blog today while looking for something else.  I can't believe all the minutes, days, and years of passing since I began my journey.

Reflecting back to when I left Idaho on June 6, 2005, I feel like a Phoenix risen from the ashes.  Divine wisdom, internal knowing, peace within.  Don't get me wrong, it's a struggle between heaven and hell inside my head all the time.  Coming back to center, finding peace is easier and easier as the days flow by.  Letting go of anything is never easy.  One step backward and two steps forward.

I am definitely a wanderer.  And, it is true what they say about not all that wonder are lost. I am not lost, I am discovering.   It's a universal truth discoveries are made by questioning answers.  Questions drive consciousness, more importantly the flow to no questioning.  At some point that has become second nature awareness.  To be present, to understand what you are feeling at each moment.

I am just coming out of a very dark period of confusion.  A failed relationship that I had belief would be more than what it was.  My little dog of sixteen years passed.  Within the struggle of understanding all of that, somehow my clarity is more acute.   Or so it seems.

The thing about life, is not knowing until you know.

I am awake, but my soul is still sleeping in your heart. ~ Mariana Fulger

The Conversation you ask...

(i am not a fantastic speller or have the inate actuation of punctuaion....get used to it)

nic refered to all that is written as the converstion before us. and that is what it is. in my college english classes, where in masses we studied the "CLASSICS" my questions to each and every teacher is "WHAT IS IT THAT DEAMS IT A CLASSIC" how are we to tell now what will last forever. why in the world does e.e. cummings ...(i love how nothing is ever capitialized!!!!!!!!!!!!) why did everything HE every write last to be studied to this day. (btw, by reading his poems and sonnet, i have always perceived him to be a woman, not a man, hmmm)

and yet back to the conversation...

Reminiscent commentary of personal experiences


As I stood there letting my dad’s angry voice flow over and past me on the wind, the reflection on the day old snow held my attention. It looked as if the sun had glazed the snow into a smooth and creamy sugar treat. I could feel the heat from the rays of the sun, as the tepid air caressed my face. The earth was still cold, draining the energy from my toes and making them feel pain from the true temperature. As I shifted my weight, trying not to think of the cold or my father’s curses, I became aware of another car approaching us on this isolated road.




Synopsis –my mother was a drunk, my father unemotional, i become a unit in a transient family, settling in LA,almost drowning in the culture of drugs and free will, travling back and forth to the midwest in what we call now a custody agreement, and then finding myself in my 40’s a school teacher, searching for karma, happiness, contentment, knowledge.

This is like reading the end of the book isn't it...

Day 105

So, I thought about creating post by back blogging, but that wouldn't have been fair to you or me.

I should have been journalling and creating along the trip and I have and have not......

Transition is such a different thing between each individual and their journey. Some thrive, some stress, some can not sync until all is settled. I feel I am a little of each of these, as we all are a part of each other, sharing the same likes and differences.

Not long ago I read a book, imagine that, me reading a book, I know....

"Tweak, Growing up on Meth" by Nic Sheff... If you haven't read it, give it a whirl. It spoke to me as a book hasn't in a really long time.

I have never been a writer, nor claimed to be one ever. Although, at one time in my younger years I yearned to write, write a book on the level of "Gone With the Wind" I think all readers have this within them. At some point in my life I decided, I was just a reader and not a writer.

Back to Nic Sheff and "Tweak.." at the age of 14, I as the opening lines of tweak proclaim, guzzled whiskey without a care or residual effect.... there are so many things about my life that I often take for granted, as if, everyone experienced what I did.

I can remember reading the definition for "Dysfunctional Family" for the first time...i have the most funtioning dysfunctional family that one could ever imagine.

If one were to actually read, the Epilogue and notes at the end of Tweak, I surmounted the reason why I am hesititant to expose all that is within me and write as free as one could.

For what lays within me, is connected to all others, and to expose to myself and my indescrepancies, in itself will expose interactions with all those around me.

Is it fair? Perhaps, my perspective, does not sync with theirs....and yet I have the audacity to put as perspective to each situation as if it were fact.

With that said....

There is still the voice inside me that chooses to add to the conversation...

Day 5

Saturday

I get behind the wheel of a car and just can’t stop. I am not sure, but I think I drove almost or more than 900 miles today. Didn’t walk in Memphis, didn’t see where the King of rock and roll is laid to rest. But, that is okay; I rationalized, that in reality, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed a tourist-y attraction like Graceland. I began to envision, masses of rednecks, wearing sweatpants carrying 7-11 Big Gulp cups full of soda pop (diet of course) ooo-ing and awe-ing Over Elvis’ possessions. Less is more.

On a positive note, in my attempt to be at Graceland, I did accomplish the goal of physically being present in all of the states west of the M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I River at least once in my life so far. I love to drive across the United States, I have done it, I don't even know how many times in my life so far. The beauty within the lanscape never fails to put me in awe of each and every region I travel through. Today I stood on the edge of a cornfield and in the distance I could see a combine work the spring wheat field. As night fell, I was able to distinguish the fires across the countryside as the farmers prepared the fields for planting, burned off the stubble left from the combines work. The smell of fresh dirt and sweet grass is intoxicating. Just as stimulating to the senses as the smell of the sea.

States I have been to-

Washington
Oregon
California
Arizona
Nevada
Idaho
Utah
New Mexico
Colorado
Wyoming Montana
North Dakota
South Dakota
Nebraska
Oklahoma
Texas
Minnesota
Iowa
Missouri
Arkansas
Louisiana
Mississippi
Alabama
Florida
Georgia
Tennessee
Kentucky
Illinois
Wisconsin
Michigan
Indiana
New York

States I have not been to (yet) -
Maine
New Hampshire
Vermont
Massachusetts
Connecticut
New Jersey
Rhode Island
Pennsylvania
New Jersey
Maryland
Delaware
Ohio
West Virginia
Virginia
North Carolina
South Carolina

Day 4

Friday



Elvis has left the building. (or Gibson is outta Florida)

Oh my, what a day. Alrighty, I finally got started on the road about 10ish. It was hard, to leave, my car wanted to go south on CR1, but, I didn’t, headed out and away I went. My biggest fear was that the mechanical of my New (old) truck would fail me. Since I left Tampa I have had in the pit of my stomach kind of fear. But, once I got going all of that fear melted away, oh, that is until I ran into bumper to bumper road construction traffic on the west side of Tallahass. And yes, I was stuck off the road in the middle. Down to one lane slow and go and then my clutch got a vapor lock. Putting on the gas and going NOWHERE fast. The guy that was kind enough to let me cut in front of him was then my Good Samaritan pushing my car with me across the yellow line so that traffic could get by. I was shaking so hard, and my heart was pumping in my ears (my aerobic work out for the day I guess). Anyway, I sat there for a few, called the brother, he said “Don’t panic, let it cool down and it will be fine” and he was right. and yes, my cat and dog and I all got very very hot waiting in the sweltering heat of a balmy June day. So, with that fear out of my way, now I know, I know how to handle that whole thingy, “it’s all good”

It is late; I am tucked down in a crackhouse like edition of a motel on the west side of Mobile. Cheap, clean room, and they always allow pets. But….the parking lot is to busy at midnight and I am just saying, the people here and their behavior are suspect…I really need to up grade to a better class of hotel.

Day 3

Thursday

I really want to be gone on the road, but here I sit, in this cozy little trailer, all to myself. Watching all of my favorite videos and DVD’s (I am leaving them here) Rain Man, Pulp Fiction, Saving Private Ryan, When Trumpets Fade, Rooster Cogburn, High Plains Drifter…

Got up early and went to “Sail Honeymoon” grabbed a kayak for a couple of hours, not to long, but just long enough to really make myself melancholy. My soul has been wrenching for a month with the angst of having to leave this area and travel far far away. I don’t want to go.



My friend Kristina asked me “Why do you move so much?” As I answered, I actualized what I had figured out months ago, why I choose to move so much. I have more or less been on my own since I was 15. I never had a family around, except my older sister, never had a place to call home. Somehow along the way, I lost what it was to be me, if I even ever had it. I think I really have never l felt completely at ease with myself, I have always looked for a place or a feeling to make me content. But finally, I figured out "Wherever I go, hey, there I am" I have learned what it takes to wake up positive and ready to face everyday. It’s not really a difficult; meditate until all the questions that run around through your head are silent. By meditating I just like to be outside doing stuff, like fishing or kayaking, running, walking, biking and I let all of those questions, feelings and ideas play through until I can feel that I can let go, or figure out a solution to whatever it is bothering me.

I think the answer to happiness is learning to let go…..